Friday, January 07, 2005

Leaving Home...

This idea of home is sort of a funny concept to me. Growing up with parents who divorced, I led two separate lives at each of their homes. I had my own room, and a different set of "things" to fill my space. Each house had it's own rules and code of conduct. Yet each house was their house, and never mine.

I went on to college and lived in a dorm room my first year, and I shared that with one other person. The remainder of college was spent in different houses that I shared with friends, and I guess, that was the first time I had a "house" of my own (at least September to May).

I have sense moved on to different places, including some time spent in Belize. I lived with a family there, and in some ways I consider Belize home, because there are people there that I have a relationship with.

I briefly moved back into my fathers home for a few months, and even though I call CT and RI home, I haven't spent a lot of time there recently.

You see, I realize that people my age are asking these same questions, and trying to find a place of their own. Yet somehow I know that my current situation and life choices forces me to take a different approach to the whole "where do I belong" question.

Recently I spent some time in the airport reflecting on this exact question. I had just said goodbye to my dad for the umteenth time, and that feeling of loss sort of sunk in. I asked myself, "Is saying goodbye what I really want to be doing for the rest of my life?"

Now maybe this is a pessimistic way of looking at things, but because of my life choices, I've exchanged hugs and kisses and warm wishes with a whole lot of people in the last five years. I've said goodbye to my family over and over again, my friends, lovers, mentors and random people I've built relationships to. Imagine having to explain to a four year old kid that you have to go back home to US. Of course the only think this kid knows of your home, is that you live down to street and play with him everyday. I've had this goodbye entirely too many times.

So the thing is, do I really want to have a life that is in a constant state of "goodbye"? Do I always want to have a train of people who miss me and who I miss as well? Do I want to keep putting relationships on hold or depend on the internet for my only communication to the home I left behind.

Because in reality, every place I go, ends up becoming a part of me. Every place has people that I love. And every place is home, at least for a little while.

I know that I will probably "settle down" at some point in time, but no matter where I am, there will always be people missing. But then again, I am very blessed to have so many amazing people in my life from all over the world...and so there is no complaint in that. Just questions....

Saturday, January 01, 2005

"The Legacy of Madness"

On this first morning of the new year, I sad down over a cup of coffee and read this article. For those who know me well, one could easily place me in this short non-fiction piece. I myself, couldn't help but think of the cliche statement, "there are others just like me out there." Of course I knew this already, but every once in a while, this realization sneaks up on me.

Nevertheless, I thought this was an interesting article, that shows a cirtain mirror of the similarity of the early part of my life, and may even offer an explanation of how I am now. If you care to read it, by all means do so!

Happy New Year!