Wednesday, March 16, 2005

As I reflect...

I remember this moment not too long ago. A new chapter of my life had begun, as a great loss lingered in my heart. Needing a deep breath and a sense of renewal, I packed my bag and left the home I knew, to search for something else. I didn’t know anyone and I wasn’t really looking for anything but maybe a glimmer of hope.
I use to walk the streets during the day and night. I would watch people and wonder if that was what life was like. I would look into the eyes of people and wonder if I had a connection with them. I would smile and wonder if people thought it was real.
I spent most of the day to myself. A solitary soul looking for meaning, I grieved in silence, just so it would all sink in. The most original emotions of my life were from that space in time. I remember submitting myself to something greater, whatever was in me at the time. Maybe it was God, or the most raw form of reality I would ever live. It was as if I was ready for anything. In my broken state I became the one I was meant to be. In all my weakness, I had formed an inner core that seemed unbreakable.
In a constant state of vulnerability, I found myself searching for challenges. It was if I couldn’t even fight the urge to protect myself. It was just so very natural to desire more, even in all my sadness. I pursued every moment with more fervor than the last, and with relative ease, understanding came to me like the ocean waves of my childhood. I felt incomplete despite the fact that it was the most well formed I had ever been.
I remembered the previous months of despair and pain as if I was having an out of body experience. I revisited every moment and reviewed all there was to know, soaking in all the richness that was being offered. If I were to be a wise one ever in my life, it would have been then. I could have been my own guru.
With over a month of intensity, I moved on to a new place and a new experience. I opened myself to true interactions with others. I shared all that was in me, even those things that have never surfaced from my heart before. I never distrusted my own honesty or its purpose, even in the face of strangers. I couldn’t even stop myself from being transparent.
Every wave of passion that engulfed me was real and important. I allowed connections with other souls to translate into meaning for me. I wasn’t looking for any of it, but I welcomed the moments, as if they might be my last. I never held back.
As a new being, I had become a greater version of myself. I was a better daughter, a better friend, a better lover and a better care-giver. Unknowingly self actualized for this slice of time, I left that enchanting place of renewal, for my home of remembered pain. I left so much behind, and the real struggle was ahead of me, but a different focus helped me visualize a future that might look like a snapshot of my reality.
Today, I remember that summer with a sense of wanting. A part of me never wants to go back to those moments of pain. Yet another part of me wishes to duplicate the moments that I realized the joys of life within interactions. All the trouble in my life kept me inside. I learned a way of inner simplicity, and I also learned the necessity of human contact. For it was in my later interactions, that I found true meaning with others.
I recently found a momento that brought back all these memories. It's important to keep things of meaning close to your heart...they help you remember the better times when you have doubt. Sometimes those are the moments of purity.