As today comes to a close, I can’t help but wonder, “where does my heart lie?” In this intense day, I have intense thoughts with no particular direction for an immediate future. I reflect on where I’ve been, and ponder where I might end up. To serve another, is one question, but my question is what population. I often think of this, but tonight has posed the question in two different ways.
First I went to Gesu parish to learn about the four church women who were killed in El Salvador. Most of them were nuns, if I remember correctly. Nevertheless, these women were working side by side with the poor and speaking out for their rights. They were stopped at a road block one night, raped and shot point blank. They died on December 2, 1980.
I am affected greatly by what happened to them, due to the fact that I can see myself doing what they did. I can see myself working with the poor and speaking out for human rights. I know this is controversial in the sight of many governments, and I often wonder if my life may be lost in this fight.
I have a deep love for the people I have met, and a strong conviction that my life and heart are being used to make a difference. However, I do not know to what extent. I keep my options open, and try to listen to the callings in my life. I educate myself and go with the wind, hoping that I might be an instrument of peace.
In my travels lately, I have also had the experience of helping gay kids on campus find a safe place, and a group to converse within. It is my belief that such a group is an exercise of faith, and that advocating for equal rights for gay and lesbian people should be accepted. It is a personal issue of my life, and it is also controversial.
Later this evening, after learning about the church women, I decided to preview a documentary that was recommended to me. The film is called “Dangerous Living.” It’s about gay and lesbian people in the developing world, and their struggle with coming out, and being out of the closet. I felt such a connection with the people in the film because I recognized their lives as a symbol of hope within oppression. More importantly, their lives lacked the basic human rights that I want to fight for, and I wonder, “Is this where I am being led?”
What would it be like if I was a human rights activist with a focus on gay rights? What would my life be like then? I know so many gay people from all across the world, and I have heard their struggle, as I have also heard the struggle of the poor. There is no difference between the two. But I know people see a difference.
Even the question of my own life comes into play, and I wonder, “would I have a life?” In either circumstance, could I have a family? I know that I am not meant to be a religious person, and thus, I do not answer to any particular order. I go where I am led, and maybe that means without any support. Is this a healthy thing?
I ask these questions as more questions flood my mind after this evening. I do not have any answers. And like always, I realize that my heart and vision, may be larger than my life. What is a girl to do?